Archive for November, 2009

If theres one thing the Iraq Inquiry has taught us…

November 26, 2009

…it’s that Christopher Meyer still likes a little bit of attention

Smoking Is Good For You

November 26, 2009

Sometimes I have to get the bus. It’s a dreadful experience.  Twice now, the driver with a Confederate flag tattoo on his arm has drove the bus.

It’s ridiculous. Is he pro slavery? Has he confused Birmingham, West Midlands with Birmingham, Alabama? Back at the station does he secretly play around with a ‘colored section’ sign on the bus? Or is he a thick twat who sees himself as a contrarian.

He might have other tattoos in support of other outdated ideas on his body.

Maybe he has a tattoo of a flat earth on his right arm, nine planets on his back and Ben Johnson’s 100m record on his arse.

Or maybe he’s just a little bit racist.

There’s apps for everything

November 26, 2009

Picture the scene. You’re sitting at a bus stop next to a girl with average to above average looks. You want to strike up conversation but you’re not sure if her self esteem is that low. If only there was some way of knowing that she was single, thought you were alright looking and open to a bit conversation.

Congratulations, you’ve just discovered my new iphone app called Slightly Raise Your Leg And Other Coded Messages To Get Someone To Talk To You.

Here’s the premise. Every week, there is a new coded message chosen, by me, for the international sign that its perfectly O.K to say hello. You check you’re iphone, you make the sign, you have a chat, you get married. Perfect. (Sequences shortened or edited)

I’ve thought of the first few myself coz im a bit of a polymath you see.

Week 1: Slightly raise your left leg.

Week 2: Put your phone to your ear and mutter how it’s funny that Lenny Henry won best stage newcomer.

Week 3: Slightly raise your right leg.

Obviously not everyone has an iphone. I don’t. So this is only phase 1 of my campaign to make my life a little easier. Later phases involve instructions in national newspapers, on billboards and TV.

Price £1.99

Jumbo Dumbo

November 23, 2009

From a big mass of nothingness came these two extraordinary little fellers.

And  I don’t mean Flaminals,

My brains have dropped out

November 13, 2009

As opposed to Jehovah Witnesses knocking on my door on my day off, like this morning, I’d much prefer it if Richard Dawkins were going door to door with a copy of The God Delusion asking, ‘Hello, have you ever considered Atheism?’.

But it’s not going to happen, he’s too busy.

The tower I’m in is collapsing

November 12, 2009

A very brave and ultimately brilliant piece of comedy.

Enjoy

Crime Reduction?

November 11, 2009

In a weatherspoons near me, they’ve installed one of those Boxing machines. You know t12748-coin-operated-arcade-machines-punch-bag-boxing-amusement-game-machine-1he ones where really hard guys stand round punching it to see how really hard they are.

Well, apparently, according to a friend of mine, there has been a reduction in fights inside and outside of the club because people take their aggression out on the machine rather than each others faces.

Which made me think, could a raping machine peform a similar function?

My self importance needed improving…

November 11, 2009

…so I started a blog. I know, I’m an idiot. I dont know why im bothering to be honest.

Since the trouble with the first post is the danger of defining the rest of the content for ever,  I hope the trajectory of the blog will follow one of the following:

Quest

Voyage and return

Comedy

Overcoming the monster

Tradegy

Rebirth

Rags to riches

Silly

(Thanks Tyler Cowen)